Finding Your Life Raft

Thursday, July 13, 2017

This past week I was thinking about heartbreak and tragedy. Not my own personal stuff - but just overall hurt that human beings go through. It's like sinking in a large body of water - full of rough waves or rip tides tugging down on you trying to pull you in. As issues get deeper, or the pain gets more complicated, the water gets deeper. And it takes every single thing in yourself to stay afloat. I understand and I've been there.

The key to surviving this wave upon wave of heartache is to find your life raft. Is it a close friend you can confide in? Is it an Instagram account that's positivity brings your heart comfort? Is it a hobby that can get your mind off of things? Running or other exercise? But it's finding something positive that can add value to your life and also ease the ache in your heart. Finding your life raft will keep you afloat. It will help create a light in a dark, dark tunnel. And if you're a parent, like me, you'll need a life raft to keep yourself active and focused while around your kids.

There were times, when I was going through my divorce, where I'd sit under a hot shower until the water ran cold. I'd sob and sob and my mind would race with desperately trying to figure out how I could save things, where I went wrong. And on the days I had my daughters, and couldn't sit in the shower, I still craved it. The hot water healed my aching heart and provided comfort. But mommy couldn't sit in the shower for a bulk of time when the girls were with me and I had to figure out other ways to deal with my pain and grief, that still allowed me to be happy and positive and "moving" around my children.

You need to keep moving. Whatever is breaking your heart cannot break you. Find something you can cling to, that will help you ride out this wave. Hang on, feel the pain, take the ride, but allow yourself to be held up and eventually you'll wash ashore.

Summer Holidays + Other Celebrations

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

I can't believe it's already been the 4th of July - we are knee-deep in summer ya'll. Why does this year feel like it's flying by so quickly? This is the first summer where I've been truly happy. One year I was battling the end of my marriage, the second year I was fighting for someone completely different to love me and this year? Well this year has been pretty drama free and I have loved every moment of it.

When I have the girls, I try to do fun things with them. So they get the benefit of fun things with both families since I know my ex does the same. Such lucky little ladies that have two parents that love them so much! If we're not swimming in the apartment complex pool, or hitting the local park, we have been adventuring to new places like a toddler amusement park, a forest preserve and even overnight in a hotel where we spent the entire day visiting and playing with new friends (my friends from college's kids)!! This is also the first year where I feel like the girls are old enough to be more mobile and experience new things. This "older" toddler phase has them more independent, and getting better at actual play with other kids that are around there age!

Walking around with nature!

Wrangling two wiggling toddlers for pictures!

Fun with boats at the toddler amusement park!
I'm so excited for the rest of our summer - we still have lots of fun activities planned and I can't wait to experience it all with them! Watching them have fun, learn new things and enjoy our time together is priceless!

How has your summer been?

Someone New

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

After being with 1 partner for so long - allowing someone else into your life to hold your heart and love on your mind and body can be a foreign concept for some. For me it frets me with anxiety. I think if you're not comfortable with yourself, it can be even worse. The problem we can run into though, is we are pushing the potential for love away because we cannot love ourselves - or because we tell ourselves that WE lost love before so we're not worthy of keeping love ever. God, divorce is a mental eff game that messes with you for a while.

I'm not built to love more than 1 person at a time. So if I love you - sometimes I can't love me. The fear of getting into a relationship without loving myself has been really tough. I question every move, I have no idea how I feel half the time, but I try to pluck along with a guarded heart - because if I don't then I'm running ... and that unleashes a whole slew of other questions.

I want a simple love. I want to love someone deeply, but know that she loves me in return. I don't want to worry about other people or the way I look or say or do that could drive someone away. I want the comfort of knowing that my person is my person. And every new relationship you start post-divorce causes you to tip tow around with that idea. Could this be my person? Could this person love me in a way that my ex was unable to? So. much. thought. But why can't I love myself in the ways that my ex was unable to? Life is all about growth and learning ... so here we go ... keep the lessons coming.