Being a Single Mom

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I came across an article on recently where a woman addresses why she will always be a single mom. A lot of her points were "on point" and completely relatable. I can see why she feels or believes (or wants to live life as) that she will always be a single mom. Many, many of the points ring true in my life. I want love, and I want great love. I want the kind of love that you can kick back and watch a sunset with a glass of wine and have the best time of your life. I want the kind of love that throws you into a fit of giggles and churns over into deep laughter rising from the pit of your stomach. I want the kind of love you can depend on, that provides comfort, that radiates to you. I really want all of that - truly. I want a love that I've never had.

The 25 Most Romantic Love Quotes You Will Ever Read. | Page 16 of 25 | I Love My LSI:

But I'm also a mom. My girls are my priority - whereas dressing up and "going out" are not. The article states that her "uniform" is yoga pants and hoodies (uh, welcome to my life). Between caring for my twins, cleaning up my home and taking "me" time - I too basically live in yoga pants and hoodies (and I don't do yoga). I've noticed recently when I'm out that I'll "look" at other people out there and the first thought is "would H&H like them?" Obviously it's way too early to even think about dating - but if/when I do decide to get back out there that person doesn't just impact my life. And no one is worth giving up my precious time with my beautiful girls.

Get caught in a mommy sandwich.
Also - her point on issues. I have issues. I have lots and lots of issues that have bubbled up since the crumble of my marriage began. And the issues are now more apparent since I'm alone now - and may have been part of the demise of my marriage. I have trust issues now, though, layered amongst my abandonment and unworthiness issues. I'm just not ready to add onto the baggage that I have yet to sort through. But I'm aware they exist. I'm hoping someday I'll work through them or find someone that can tolerate them :)

I'm not lonely. Yet. I've been living by myself for a good week already and I'm probably more busy now than I have ever been in the past 2 years of my life and there's not really much relief. I've been signing myself up for activities, and if I don't have the girls for an evening, there's so much to do at home to prepare for the next time I do have them. I've gotten back involved with sports on weekends (yay!), I've been hanging out with friends more, I've been focusing on work, I've been taking care of myself by going to doctor appointments and counseling, etc. So - I've had lots to do to keep me busy and not obsessing over being single or my marriage ending.

I was talking with a friend the other day and they commented on "how well" I was doing. I guess I never thought about it - I was surely "not well" the entire month of July and half of August. But I think I made a lot of things happen to help myself - I waded through the ugly reality of what happened and what my new future was, I sat in hot showers for 45 minutes to calm myself down, I said many, many mean things because my heart hurt. Then, as I edged closer to being able to be free and out on my own, things started to lift and change.

Not to say I don't have bad days or that I'm not sad. I'm just not dwelling on it. And being a parent actually helps tug you out of it faster. Before I would be a murky depth of sadness for months. I'd be depressed and honestly feel like my life was ending. But now I have two little girls that make me forget about the crap parts of my life because I have two awesome parts of my life right in front of me. Mommy can sit and be sad around them - that's not fair to them. So they help me not fall back into that sadness. And I'll forever be grateful for them saving me this go-around in my love life. So for now and the immediate future - they are my focus. And I love them for that.

Even on the days you feel like you are failing, look around, I promise your kids will still think you are the best mom in the whole universe! Motivating Mother – Julie Clark

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