My Heart Hurts

Friday, October 16, 2015

I have always had an extremely hard time going through break-ups. I form really strong attachments, even to relationships that are not good for me, and I can't let go. I over-analyze things, imagine a world where nothing went wrong, I project on myself all of the things that went wrong and become my own worst enemy. I allow my heart to shatter into a million tiny pieces when the *hint* of my ex dating someone else comes into my mind - it serves as severe punishment to myself, like I deserve to feel such intense pain when the person I love has moved on with someone new. I hate it and it's hard to change.

I've been trying really hard to work on not letting it get to me so much. I'm not really sure why it does - but I feel a literal physical reaction when I think about an ex with someone else. It depresses me. I really wish it could be something I could shrug my shoulders at and say, "Well, I just hope she's truly happy" (and actually mean it). But I can't.

I can't tell if I deal with things too much - you know people say that some folks compartmentalize and don't "deal" with their feelings. Am I overdealing??  Or, am I literally just doing this to myself? Is it something that I let bother me for a second and then not wallow in it and eventually the pain will go away? Seriously I don't know and sometimes I'm a little desperate for an answer - for some relief. I'm angry that my emotions are on such a rollercoaster. At times I'm SUPER okay. Like surprisingly the okayest I've been in a REALLY long time ... like years. And then there are fleeting moments where the floor drops out from under me, big huge tears develop before I know it and my heart literally aches out of my chest.

I'm 4.5 months out of the real fall-out of my marriage. I'm a month and a half from filing for divorce. I'm almost a month out from actually moving out on my own. Time felt like it stood still this summer, and then all of a sudden it flew right on by. My life has completely changed. My home, my dishes, my neighborhood, my bed ... everything is different. Yet, there are times where my heart still feels like it's a caged animal, trapped within me with no release in sight. It still *loves* - if you call what it's doing love. It's still hooked on someone. I desperately want it unhooked.

I need advice, ya'll. What helped you get over a bad break-up? What helps you feel better when your heart aches?
he convinced her to jump promising that he'd catch her, but as soon as she started to fall he was already turning around -S.B.:

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