Some Days are Hard

Thursday, October 29, 2015

There are days that I wake up normally, get dressed and on my way to work ... and then creeping up behind me the day churns over into something else. Something dark and sad, and scary. I can't always tell when it's going to happen and I honestly can't even always pinpoint my triggers. But there are moments when all of a sudden I'm in a funk. My outlook dims, my positivity fades - when I feel like a failure. When I feel unlovable. When I'm jealous of the security that others have with their relationships. Envy is an ugly thing.

I try to push the thoughts out of my head - the ones that stick around and try to ruin my day, my attitude. But sometimes they succeed and snatch it all right up. It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself. To feel like I've already hit the best part of my life and it failed - over and done with as quickly as it started. It's easy to feel like I'll be alone forever - that I'm destined to see my children only 50% of the time ... and to be bitter about it all. 

This isn't a big post where I spew a ton of advice of how to feel better. It's a post where I'm real and I'm stuck (for a moment) in something ugly. The reality of going through a divorce and being a single mom. The longing I have for what I thought my relationship was. The reality for what it is. 

So - I'll just end with some days are hard. I guess I need to be easier on myself. I know it all comes and goes and I've had a lot better days than bad. I'm just a work in progress and I have to remember that I'm not at the finish line, yet. My story isn't over. 

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