Thursday, November 12, 2015

Blogging is an exposing experience. There's a fine line between putting yourself all the way out there (and wondering if people will judge you because of it) and keeping things mostly to yourself for protection. I think if you're going to be a lifestyle blogger (like I consider myself) then it's important to be real - it's important to not hide behind a facade. Here's a real snippet for you: The other day, in the midst of texting with my ex, I just started bawling in the middle of Homegoods. Nothing of significance happened, and it was a pretty normal day anyways. But here I was finding big fat, huge tears well up and burst out of my eyes. I don't always have it "together," I'm pretty sure I'm far from that. But I do worry what other people think of me and the experience that I've been going through. I write because it's cathartic for me - it provides a release that I haven't been able to get from anything else (therapy, crying, etc.).

But, there have been days when I'm tormented by embarrassment, days when I feel I should be handling it all better. Days when my eyes gloss over, red with rage at what I feel "happened to me." Then, I'm ashamed for being a "victim." And even though I'm aware of my part in everything, and even in all the aftermath - it's hard not to fall into victim mode sometimes. I'm human though and can only control so many of my feelings.

It's all kind of like being naked - exposing yourself, your fears and doubts and your life to people you don't even know ... even more terrifying to expose yourself to people that you do know (hi all!). I just hope there's someone out there that can relate to me ... that finds comfort that they're not alone in facing their demons. That what they're feeling is real and normal, even though it's sometimes exposing ourselves to the judgement of others.

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