New Expectations

Monday, November 16, 2015

Life is now a constant readjustment to new expectations for my future. Everything is uneasy and unplanned (not like it was ever really planned) unlike when you're in a marriage and it anchors you down. I feel like my marriage grounded me. It had me on a path - grow our family, be great parents and eventually retire so I can drink wine seaside for the rest of my days. ::::ahhhhhh!::::  #thelife

But now it's all up in the air. Part of it is exhilarating - knowing that I can make my future anything that I want it to be. Sometimes I'm really excited about the possibilities and I just feel free - the freeness from not being in a relationship. But, if I'm being honest, most days are just plain terrifying. Things are wide open and I have to start over again. If I want to be re-married someday, that means I have to eventually date, right? Ha! If I want to plan for retirement, I have to think about what me, myself and I needs for that period of my life. I have to plan it all as if a future spouse doesn't exist (which one doesn't) and then I'm smacked with the reality that I'm alone. Shit, shit, shit. How did this happen? I'm single.

I will always have my children (well technically 50% of the time per the custody agreement) but I'm a single woman. There's no plus one. There's no co-adult here to drink wine with. There's no one to share my life with - to build something with. And that's one of the things I liked most about marriage, the building of a life together. There are days where I struggle to stay positive. When I miss my ex (not just the companionship - but her). There are mornings where I wake up hoping it was all a bad dream. But it's not - it's all my current reality.

I feel pressured with so much to do and having to do it all myself. Keep my home up and running, stay positive, lose weight, be a good parent, plan for my future, eventually try to date in some far off future - blah, blah, blah. It's enough to force me into hiding ... you think I could hibernate with the girls all winter?  I'm scared I can't handle it all. That all of my crazy, sad, feelings will re-emerge at some point and just take me down into a fit of tears. I've maintained a strong front for a while now, but I dunno, sometimes I can feel it licking at the back of my throat.

But I'm trying to stay positive, and I'm trying to focus on the good. I'm trying to realize my worth and invest in myself. I'm trying to not let my emotions take me down. I'm trying to take it one day at a time so that I can look back and remember how strong I was that I made it through all of this.

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