I Still Feel Pain

Thursday, December 17, 2015

There's a tug on my heart every now and then - when I see a friend's good news that they're expecting, or see a beautiful photo of a gorgeous family that resembled what I used to have. My heart still breaks for "what was" and "what never will be." My ex and I discussed expanding our family earlier this year, and were aiming to try for baby #3 this winter. We talked a lot about having a big family and the girls really solidified that desire to have more awesome babies like our first. It's now December and my divorce has been finalized. There will be no more trying for another baby. I'm sad about that.

This time of year is so great for focusing on the family - for watching the magic of Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate) light up your children's lives, for having those experiences with your family. My family looks quite a bit different than it did 5 months ago - let alone 12 months ago. This time last year, we were feverishly preparing for our first hosted Christmas with our family. The girls were 5 months old, so we didn't want to venture out anywhere. We had a great time ... it was our first Christmas as a family of four. It was also our last Christmas as a family of four.

I feel joy in my heart for my friends that have another year with their spouse. That get to experience the holidays with their family intact. That never have to go an evening without their children sound asleep under the same roof. I feel joy for those expanding bellies, and the promise that life looks much different than it used to - but has the potential to be just as good, if not better. For now, our memories look a bit different. The holidays look a bit different. And, that's ok. For now.

H&H visit with Santa 2015

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