Sometimes You're Not Ready

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Last weekend, I was kid-free as the girls spent some time with their other mom. I used that time to re-arrange my closets and throw some stuff out, make some more room for storage, do laundry and organize. Thrilling stuff in the life of a single mom ...

I have two boxes full of mementos including old pictures of me from birth through college, and a lot of "relationship stuff" full of cards and pictures from the past 8 years of my life with my ex. As I flipped through some of the photos, some ready to toss out and some that I couldn't bare to part with just yet - I found tears spilling from my eyes. I read over promises and professions of love. I remembered the days I received the cards, what was going on in our lives, and saw smiles plastered on our faces from all the different memories we made and times we shared. My heart ached. I found myself snapping a picture of one of the cards and sending it off to my ex, stating that I didn't know how we got to this spot when I find things like that. I didn't receive a response and feel like a pathetic fool. Not my ex's fault - I shouldn't have stirred things up with that text. Our marriage is over, it doesn't matter any more.

Then I stumbled across a pretty thick envelope with my ex's name on it. It was still sealed and when I opened it, I found a card with a post-it note and a 5 page letter inside. I never gave my ex this card or letter. As I read through it I felt anger start to stir. I was apologizing and basically trying to convince my ex to take me back after one of our break-ups. This was from 2009. SIX years ago. I remember what happened between us, and I remember why I wrote the letter. I do not remember why I never gave it to her. It all seems irrelevant now - but I feel like it still shows that I'm a clinger. I cling to things when I lose them. I'm desperate for that love, that acceptance, and have had the same reaction to break-ups for as long as I can remember. I can look at that letter and then open up my journal from this past summer and find the same pattern of thoughts. I don't find worth in what I have to offer to a relationship.

I shouldn't have dipped into those boxes. I wasn't ready. There are a ton of emotions and thoughts that still swirl in my heart and head. I'm only two weeks out from my divorce being finalized. I'm at the 6 month mark of when everything finally hit me and I realized my marriage was crumbling. I have a long way to go and a long way to heal. So, even though you might be having some good days and feel that edge of confidence, sometimes you really are at the cusp of something that you've silently tucked away. And peering into the past will drum all of that heartache back up. I need some more time. I need some more healing, before diving back into the past.

2 comments:

  1. Oh friend :( I wouldn't say you are a clinger, I'd say you are just passionate about your relationships + when you're in you're all in. You'd do anything you can to save what matters most to you, which is why you sent that photo to her. Trust me, I tried to reconcile myself when Charles first left me + a lot of my texts went unanswered as well... It's completely normal to feel this way. Don't beat yourself up for doing that or for loving whole-heartedly. Someday someone will come around that will absolutely LOVE that quality about you. Xx

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for your kind words lady! :)

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