What's With All of the Anger?

Friday, February 12, 2016

I'm officially two months out from my actual divorce date and like 8 months out from when my world fell a part. It's weird - I prayed and prayed to just fast forward time during this summer ... it was so so so emotionally hard, and I just knew that if I could get over that initial heartbreak and pain, that it'd be better. And in many ways it is!

However, along with the normal anger and grief one experiences during a divorce - no one really talks about the anger you get by parenting solo. And at times I have a ton of it. Not towards my kids, but aimed 110% at my ex. I didn't sign up to have kids by myself - I wanted to raise them with the love of my life in our home forever. I wanted a teammate (moms v. kids), and I wanted someone to share in that with me. Clearly, my current reality is a bit different.

There are times when I SO enjoy making 100% of the decisions myself and not having to worry about anyone else's opinions. But there are also times when I just need someone to tag me out - or when I'm having a crazy, crazy morning and have zero help getting the girls ready (in addition to myself) and fed and dressed and gathering all of the items that are ever needed to just simply get out the door ... psssssh. It's a wonder why I have an 8:30 am bedtime. Yes, I get "parenting breaks" every few days when the girls are off with my ex - but I get mad over the "point." That I didn't want a divorce and I didn't want to parent solo and here I am.

When I sit back and look at the phases of grief - I think I'm making my way through anger onto acceptance. I don't cry as much any more, and I have excitement over my future. I've always been okay being alone - so being a single mom is not dipping me into a pit of despair (yet). Shocker - I actually got off the dating websites because my heart isn't in it - and I'm happy just being with myself and my girls. Not to say I don't have moments where I curse my ex's name under my breath, or wish I never met her. I think that's normal, right? I want to let it go, though... for myself. Because the stress it creates cinches up my shoulder blades and is painful. Because it's creating fine lines across my forehead and because it's making me be someone that I don't want to be. And I have bigger plans ahead - for a big happy life. Even if I'm solo on this adventure.

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