Single Mom Adventures: Recoil

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Surprise - I signed back up for a few dating apps recently just to dip my toe back into the water and see what was out there. A few days after being on one of the sites, I received a "like" from a woman who was age-appropriate and "my-type" who lived near me! WHATTTTT! This never happens and I was so excited to start chatting, especially when she asked for my phone number so we could actually text and not go through the app.

But not soon after, I hit the hard realization that I just was not ready at all. The texts came often and she shared pictures of herself (innocent selfies) and talked to me about what she was doing with her day. She chatted ALOT about herself, rarely asking questions about me... which I was totally okay with but after a while, what do you really say except "Nice!" I was getting overwhelmed and bored at the same time and then my heart started to ache and I really missed my ex. The "connection" with this girl just wasn't the same as what I had - nor was it any better.

So after she asked me to send her a picture of myself (I was in sweatpants standing in the middle of the grocery store) I decided enough was enough and I'd have my first chat break-up. Honestly, this all feels super ridiculous. I sent her a quick text letting her know that I was feeling overwhelmed and although I enjoyed chatting with her, I just wasn't ready. She said "no worries and best of luck" and that was that. Immediately after I felt alone. Did I blow my one chance at something else? UGH! So I signed up for Whisper after seeing an advertisement for it. On Whisper you can post anything you want - but a lot of people use it to post "secrets" that they want to get out but don't want to tell people they're close with. This is all done anonymously.

I threw up a post basically saying I was worried I'd be single forever and no one would love me again. I quickly got some random likes and chat requests (there are some major creeps out there so beware ... A/S/L anyone?) but then one came in from a guy asking a bit about my back story. I kept it pretty vague (didn't let on that I was a lesbian) and we chatted about my situation and his experience with his parents post-divorce. We didn't talk for long but I had a better conversation with him in 20 minutes than I had with dating-app girl over 3 days. I don't know if it's because it's anonymous and I won't have to face the fact of potentially "meeting" him, or that he was a guy and I wouldn't be interested anyways but it all made me realize that connections can be anywhere. And I was able to realize I didn't have one with someone and ended it before I settled and was even more unhappy.

It's a scary thing - saying "No" to love/an opportunity when you feel lonely and discarded anyways. It would be the easy thing to keep hanging onto that person as a way to boost your self esteem or feel loved. I've done that before, though, in a relationship and it was awful. I used someone else to get over a super intense love I had for someone previous - and although it did the trick, I hated myself for it the entire relationship. I felt indifferent towards that relationship but I loved being loved. And when my heart finally healed from my first love - I moved on from that relationship because it served it's purpose, to get me over a broken heart and make me realize that I can still be loved. What a shitty shitty thing. I refuse to do that again.

Not going to lie though, I miss being married. I miss the companionship and having a partner to do the "boring" things in life with. I loved waking up and going to the grocery store together or running errands. I loved having someone to talk with during the hardest of times, someone that told me they loved me, someone to plan a future with. And now it's all gone and I feel empty sometimes especially when my girls are with my ex and I'm all alone in my apartment.

Any encouraging words? How do I keep hope that I'll find love again?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Hi there! I would love to hear what you have to say! Leave me a comment!