Sometimes, I'm Lonely

Monday, March 21, 2016

Throughout my post-divorce process, emotional healing has been a primary focus. I've been pretty diligent on trying to get myself back and do things that truly make me happy. I've been proud of how far I've come from this past summer and looking at my life now and myself now - I'd never guess that I'd make it this far, honestly. I was in a deep, dark place only 8 months ago. Confused, heartbroken, scared. Angry. A lot of those emotions have dimmed a bit, but they still come around every now and then. The only one that is most regularly present, though, has been anger. She's brutal and she's the one that brings tears to my eyes now a days.

Outwardly, I can seem pretty confident and focused on my future. I can honestly say that I feel like I have a fulfilling life, even while acclimating through the holes that my ex left behind in our family, while trying to co-parent together as well. Overall, I'd say I'm "alone" but not lonely. I've been putting forth an effort to get back in touch with people that I lost connections with, and I also have my girls. But I'm not desperate to be in a relationship, and I can't even wrap my mind around that yet. I'm not ready to hand my heart over to someone else - there's no room for them right now.

But the anger creeps in when I think of what my life was supposed to be, and who it was supposed to be with. I'm angry because I loved my ex and I loved being married. I wanted to build a life together and create a happy family unit with the 4 of us. And it didn't happen that way and I'm so so so angry about that. Those are the moments where I find that I feel lonely. I start to feel sorry for myself and being single while watching everyone else I know still happily married ... they don't have to split time to see their children. There are not nights where they don't tuck their kids into bed. They still tell the person they married that they love them. They share a life with that person. It makes my heart bitter. It pushes out tears from my eyes. It basically makes me sad and broody.

And, I guess that's part of the healing process. I need to remember that I'm allowed to not be fully moved on and that I'm allowed to feel anger and sadness. Unfortunately, they're a part of my journey and they're what are going to allow me to process what I feel so I can be whole one day again. So, sometimes I am lonely. Sometimes I wish I could go back and catch everything before it fell a part. Sometimes I wish I'd be truly happy once again. I know one day I will be - I know that I have some time to go to grow and learn and become better for what I've been through. But yeah, sometimes I'm lonely.

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