Ain't It Funny

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

The way life ebbs and flows is so interesting to me. You can be on top of the world one moment with everything go so very right in your life, and one little thing changes and your world is flipped upside down. It's remarkable but that's just the way things are. Life isn't meant to be boring - the same exact thing day after day. If it were, we'd never grow as people. We'd never learn, we'd never expand our knowledge and our talents. We'd never truly live.

It can be hard to remember during difficult times - that you'll get through it. That there's a light at the end of the tunnel. That it's not permanent. Life is every-evolving. I have a hard time remembering that at times. When I get hurt, it hits me deeply. Sometimes I can't see outside of the pain - or the moment. My mind races, my heart breaks, my stomach lurches. I'm impacted not only emotionally but physically, during difficult times.

But like life does - you'll bounce back. You always do. And maybe it's for an hour, or a day ... or whatever ... but life won't be 100% grim 100% of the time. It's important to remember that. It's important to have faith that what's meant to be will find a way. Whatever you're supposed to be doing or whatever you're supposed to experience - you will. It could be pain one day and it could be euphoria the next. You'll get to where you need to be.

One of my favorite sayings of all time is "everything happens for a reason." It's over-used and corny, but I just love it. I truly believe in it with my entire heart and there are some major examples in my own life where things worked out for the best, but in that moment of pain or grief I couldn't see why or what the purpose was. My very first example of this was with my relationship with my college girlfriend. She was my first love and I took our mutual break up very hard. I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. I was depressed and drank a lot. I begged to get back together. She moved on to someone else, but we still stayed in contact. I stayed behind in my college town, working, for a year after I graduated. She was finishing her senior year. We didn't stay in too much contact because of how much I was hurting - but she was always about 15 minutes away and my heart just ached. I couldn't understand why that relationship didn't work out. What was the point of all of that pain?

But after my lease was up for that year, I started thinking about what I needed to heal emotionally and what I wanted in my life. It was clear that my life was no longer on a path with hers. So I asked for a transfer back to the Chicago area with my job and packed up and moved 3+ hours away from her - back to my support system, with a fresh start on my mind. It was rough. I was in a new relationship by then (super long distance) but was still hung up on my ex. I moved into my first apartment on my own, and didn't have many friends - especially gay friends. I started eating again - and joined a gym and worked out ALOT (but ate well). I met some people that showed me around Boystown in downtown Chicago and my circle of friends grew from there. The rest is history.

I attribute that break-up to bringing me back to Chicago. If that relationship hadn't ended I would likely still be in central Illinois and I have no idea where my life, my career would have been. That relationship ending brought me back to my family (with whom I had limited contact with while away at college), grew my independence, brought forward my second gay relationship - and eventually led me to my now ex-wife (with whom I have my girls with). At the time, sitting in my grief, while that first relationship was ending I had no idea why. My heart just ached and ached and I felt so rejected and pained. I couldn't see that it was actually good for me - that it was part of the journey that I was meant to be on. And it's something I try to remember even today. It was something that (at the tailend) got me out of my post-divorce funk.

Life is continually moving. And if you're still living and breathing - you're still destined for something. Do not think whatever is currently happening to you or in your life is your end game. It's not. It's part of your experience, it's part of your learning, it's part of your evolution. And one day the big grand plan for you will be revealed. Just be patient and try to hang on through those tough times.

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