All of the Feelings

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I've been battling with a bunch of feelings. This post-divorce life isn't for the faint of heart and getting your heart back up and ready to love again, is some tough business. I find myself constantly feeling the urge to "run" from anything/anyone that wants to get closer to me - but at the same time feel the pull towards something that I at times, can't deny. It's confusing business.

I'm sad sometimes. I think about my past and the 8 years spent with my ex. My marriage falling a part. My life now. I'm not sad over the loss of that relationship, but more sad that I lost my best friend. I can't lean on that person anymore. And that person shattered my trust in others. In myself and my intuition. I'm working on finding that again - but the trust thing is hard to get back. I'm sad that was taken from me.

I think a lot more than I used to when it comes to love/dating. It stinks because I do not want to think at all. I'm exhausted from over-thinking for almost a year. But each relationship will come with it's own challenges, and again you're left thinking about that person, situation, what you want, etc. I've been terrified to let go. The urge to run is always, always there. My mind sometimes is murky - my walls drop down, and then I think and they edge back up. I feel like I'm in the weird limbo. Half in, half out.

I'm not sure what that all means.

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