When Fear Consumes You

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

I've been choking back a strong urge to bolt from any romantic situation lately. I pinpoint it to my feelings growing stronger, and my walls going up to protect myself. I've felt anxiety and sadness over it all. Sometimes I am panicked and can't sleep. The feelings just are there, and I'm not really sure what to do with them.

I stumbled across a Huff Post article that really resonated with me. Specifically one quote captured from the article perfectly explains what I've been feeling in my chest:


I learned that when we see life through fear-tinted glasses, it’s like walking through a fun-house where everything becomes distorted. Except that it’s not fun at all; it’s torture. Fear wanted to convince me to run because in fear’s mind, love is dangerous. Love means loss. Love mean losing myself or losing the other person. Love means risking my heart and breaking down the layers of control. Real love means that I have to be accountable and vulnerable and, since I had never met someone with whom I felt safe enough to do this, almost every fiber in my body and soul wanted to run.

Shit. This is it ya'll. This is exactly what grips me into a panic some nights. Because of my past, I tie love/growing feelings to pain and not enjoyment. So as my feelings grow stronger, I have an urge to run from it to protect myself from being shattered again. WT absolute F.

And the messed up part? I need to let go and let myself fall - with the hope of being picked up but under the risk of being broken again. OR - I need to run to protect myself. I need to slam the walls back up, to hide myself, to never let anyone in. Because then you don't get hurt, right? So it's sink or swim. <cue tears>

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