The "L" Word

Monday, July 25, 2016

Recently I told someone I loved them. I've been met with silence. Not a "thanks but no thanks," "not a 'I Love You too!" ... not even a "I'm not sure what to say." There's just nothing. It's been tearing me a part - does anyone like to be ignored? And I could feel totally ashamed and embarassed of putting my feelings out there and essentially being rejected, but I don't. I'm actually proud of myself.

I recently listened to this video from one of my favorite Thought Catalog writers. She talked about a spectrum of love and that everyone you care about is on that spectrum somehow. I mean - I still love my ex, but it might not be the romantic love I once had for her. So I can totally relate.

I think it's true - I think when you care about someone, especially deeply that can be love. It might not be "over the moon in love love" but it's just you putting that little bit of love in your heart for someone that means something to you. I also think it's important to tell people how you feel. Sure it's absolutely scary to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. Rejection hurts like a b*tch. BUT for one moment you get to let it out - you get to feel (butterflies, anxiety, heart racing) you're ALIVE! And you put love out into the world, whether or not it was returned. 

It's important for us that have been through divorce to find love again - and to share that love with others. When it bubbles back up, it's like a gift and it should be cherished. So I may not be "in love" with the person I professed feelings for but I know I love her. I know I care about her deeply. And I told her. And whether she responds to that or not is her choice - but I'm okay either way. I'm okay because I felt it, it was real, I put it out there and proved to myself that my heart can find love again. And I'm blown away by that. 


Thursday, July 21, 2016

This past week has been pretty tough on my heart, and it's been hard to see the positive in anything. The other night, I was finally feeling okay to run some errands, so I washed my car, turned the twins' car seats forward facing (all by myself!), ran to Target and did grocery shopping. The night was going well and I was feeling normal - almost happy. And then after I loaded my groceries in the car, returned my cart and hopped in to turn my car on - the lights in my dashboard lit up but nothing else happened. No engine turning over, no promise that we will be off and on our way. Nada.


My first good day in a week - ruined. Not going to lie - there were some tears shed.

So, I called someone for advice on what to do. I worried about my milk spoiling and how much a battery was going to cost, as well as the hassle to call my insurance company to send roadside assistance. I fretted. I called roadside assistance and went through an annoying 15 minute call where I had to repeat nearly everything - it was now after 8 pm and I was still sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store ... waiting. Every few minutes trying to turn my car on to no avail.

After about an hour with no call from dispatch, and no sign of help - I called my insurance company back where they told me they had no record of my service request and that they could put a NEW one in for me but it would still take about an hour for someone to reach me. It was now almost 9 pm - the grocery store was closing, the parking lot was dark, my milk was likely spoiling. I broke down and cried on the phone to the guy. What was I going to do? What a terrible day.

Luckily, I was saved. My sweet, sweet co-worker volunteered to send her husband to me to jump my car. He made it there in 15 minutes - waaaaay sooner than roadside assistance would have made it. It was amazing.

Now, thinking about it - I could have thought my night ruined. I could have cried on the way home and whined about how crappy things have been and why am I just being dumped on time after time. BUT I started to see the good in what happened:

- I didn't have the twins with me (how awful would it have been to have the girls with me waiting)
- The weather was nice (I didn't have to hide from rain or heat)
- People kept me company (I had a few friends texting me so it passed time and I knew that people cared to keep tabs on me)
- My amazing co-worker's husband came out of his way and helped me! (How awesome is that?!)
- I had my Costco cold bag with me so my cold groceries were all saved!
- My phone battery did not die!

Basically, all that really happened was that I sat in a parking lot for 2 hours worrying about something that I really couldn't control. But once I started to troubleshoot, accept help and realize it wasn't the end of the world - I was able to not feel that it was just another life thing dumping on my head. And that feels amazing to finally have some kind of positive perspective on something. So maybe I'm getting better, maybe it was just a good day. I dunno. All I know is that it felt GOOD to not think the end of the world was happening. It feel GOOD to have faith in people and see the goodness in others. It felt good to be cared about and to feel safe. I'm just so so so grateful for everyone that night. It still warms my heart just thinking about it.

The Power of Vulnerability

Monday, July 18, 2016

Just something I've been listening to. A great message for anyone struggling with being vulnerable (I do!).

"This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.

On This Day ...

Friday, July 15, 2016

My oh my how life changes, you don't even realize that it zooms right by. I'm going through something right now. It hurts my heart and there are moments where I'm not sure I'm going to feel happy or "love" or whatever again. It sucks being stuck in this. Then I opened Facebook today and was reminded of how far I've come - the "On This Day" app will always get you with past reminders. And I remember them all.

On this exact day last year, I posted a meme about letting go of the life we have planned - because the future is waiting for us. This was on the heels of my marriage falling a part. A realization that it was over. This was 365 days ago - a lot has changed since then ... in more ways than I could ever have imagined. I'm amicable with my ex, I have a new job (!!), I've loved again, I've found a bit of happiness reconnecting and experiencing new things. In that dark spot in 2015, I NEVER could have imagined that happening at all - any of it.

Two years ago today, Derek Jeter was saying goodbye to baseball. He has been my favorite player since his rookie season and even to this day, my favorite number combination is 213 - 2 for DJ and 13 for me :)

Three years ago today, I was a newlywed and full of wedded bliss. I shared a Sara Bareilles video that reminded me of my love.

Five years ago today I completed a 73 minute walk/run as part of my C25K running program. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was on a year long "break-up" with my now ex-wife, right before we got back together the final time. I was focused on improving myself and was working out relentlessly. It helped relieve the stress and sadness that filled my body. And that 73 minute run/walk was my Everest (you ever try to stay on a treadmill for that long when you're not a runner? It's hell). But I did it and I didn't stop once. I walked away from that treadmill with drenched gray yoga pants (it looked like I peed myself) and felt amazing. I immediately stopped running the C25K program after that run though. It hurt like hell afterwards. :)

Eight years ago today, I posted on Facebook that I was worried. No explanation ... just a simple statement. Ashley is worried. (It was when your update was basically a statement from you). That was 2008, my friends. I have a vague feeling of what it was about but honestly, I have no idea. And in between that day that I was worried and likely upset to today - a ton of life has happened. A TON. 

It's comforting to know that the pain I feel right now will numb some day. That what's happening today in my heart or my life will be a memory. Life is ever changing and always evolving and we have no clue where it will take us next. We have no idea what awaits us. So know that the heart ache is just for a moment/a short time in a lifelong of other moments strung together. <3 

Still Dealing With Emotions

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

One of the things that has been extremely apparent over the past year is my battle with my emotions, mainly my anxiety and just overall brokenness. I have realized that I hate it. I hate the up and down - I hate the negative feelings, but realize it's important to make my way through all of that stuff. But it is a part of life - you HAVE to feel and experience everything thrown at you because if you don't give yourself a chance to process, then you'll always be stuck in that murk. And it truly can be murk. No one wants to feel sad or angry for the rest of their lives. But you may have to for a little bit - and if you can settle down in it, accept it and work through it ... then you'll process it and be better in the end.

So that's where I'm at. I'm super confused by some feelings happening now and super familiar with some others. I'm trying to figure out what it all means. I'm trying to let it in and feel it ... and process through it. I've had some tears, some smiles, some disappointments, some high moments and some low. There's a ton of give and take and there's a ton of going easy on myself. I've lost love, and I'm back on the battlefield of navigating singlehood, motherhood, working motherhood, etc. I gained feelings for someone else and am trying to figure out feelings that are still left over from my marriage and those that are present/current state. I'm having my insecurities bubble up to the edge, and at times just feel emotionally naked. It's an uneasy feeling for me but I'm dealing with it. If I ever want to be in a relationship again, I'm going to have to be vulnerable ... and honestly, I know I'm going to have to find someone that has patience with what I've been through in my past.

I feel like I'm rambling.

But really I just wanted to tell you that if you're going through a terrible break-up or a divorce, that you'll have highs and lows. You'll battle through your emotions and your feelings because you're ever evolving as a person. And you know what? That's not a bad thing. You opened your heart to someone else. You said YES! to love. You took a risk. And that's amazing. That's something to be proud of. And, you'll find it again.

H&H are TWO!

Monday, July 11, 2016

Oh my! All of the feels! My little girls are two!! Honestly, they tell you that life goes by so fast when you have kids and it's so true. I remember the day they were born like it was yesterday - them learning to roll over or trying solid foods for the first time ... their first steps and first words. 

And now! Well now they talk up a storm and climb on EVERYTHING. They tackle playgrounds like professionals, easily make new friends. We've recently started going to my apartment complex pool and I've learned that I have two little fish on my hands. Toddlerhood is hard. I think every stage of childhood is probabaly hard - different, but hard. But I'm excited to be able to share experiences with the girls and "do" stuff with them. The excitement on their faces during out outings always warms my mommyheart right up! 

So to my two smart, sassy, beautiful little ladies - mommy loves you and wishes you a very Happy 2nd Birthday!!

Upside Down

Friday, July 8, 2016

This has been a really weird week and a half (maybe 2 weeks). I think if I was looking for an example of how life can ebb and flow and change at any minute - I'd think back to these past two weeks for sure. It's been filled with a lot of happy moments, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of heartache. That makes for a very overwhelmed heart. So, honestly I've been zoning out my feelings about nearly everything.

I have feelings for someone but do not want to think about those feelings. So I don't. I keep moving. I'm sad about what would have been my 3 year wedding anniversary, and the lump in my throat when I saw my ex the next day for our kid hand off, where I wished her a "what would have been 3rd wedding anniversary." I could have bawled my face off. But I didn't. I kept moving. I'm a future thinker and I love making plans. I could probably plan the crap out of the next 5 years of my life (and I have). But lately, I've been just leaving it all be. Life's so uncertain. So I don't think about it.

And if I've learned anything about myself, it's that the not feeling stuff leaves me feeling like a shell of myself. I don't feel real. Like I'm just moving through the motions and trying to "make it through." But what am I making it through to? Speed up. Slow down. That's my life lately. I crave consistency. I crave happy.

Today would have been my grandfather's birthday. He never had a chance to see me get married or to meet the twins because he passed away in 2011. Those are two days that I had him on my mind a lot. I miss his crackly laugh. The last thing he ever said to me? I was visiting him at the nursing home and was leaving. I told him I loved him and he responded with his usual, "I love you too, sweets." He wasn't doing very well at the end of his life - but it was a reminder what a joy he was. How loving and caring he was. I wish my kids had the opportunity to know him.

And on the horizon? The twins turn 2 on Sunday. Two years ago I was admitted to the hospital 6 weeks early because I was getting pre-ecclampsia. The doctors made the decision to deliver my babies early so that I could survive their birth. So I could live and be their mom. And I nearly died after my c-section as my bp sky-rocketed basically out of control. There I was in the ICU and my girls were in the NICU. Everyone battling to hang on. I think about those first few days of motherhood. The worry, the fear, the guilt. But I'm grateful that modern medicine allowed us all to be safe and healthy in the end.

So - tough week over here. I hope you're all doing well.


Friday, July 1, 2016

I've been in a weird little funk the past few days - filled with a tad bit of anxiety that I haven't been able to quite put my finger on. I literally needed to take some time to think about what the heck was going on with me and realized it's because the 4th of July week is coming up. The 4th of July has ALWAYS been one of my favorite holidays. I love the warm weather and fireworks and all of that good stuff. But - it also happens to be around what would have been my three year wedding anniversary on July 6th.

Although I consider myself to emotionally be moved on, it's hard to not think about that date 3 years ago. We had a great wedding - filled with love and friends and family. It was one of my most favorite days of my life. Last year erased that a bit as things completely fell a part in our marriage and our 2nd wedding anniversary celebration didn't even happen. It's just weird that now July 6th is just a normal day of the week.

Then there's July 8th. It would have been my grandpa's 87th birthday - he passed away 5 years ago. We were really close and my dad always requests that I put in a memorial on the paper on his birthday every year. A reminder that we love and miss him. So it always brings forward those childhood memories.

And then on the flip side of all that sadness the twins turn 2 on July 10th! It's bittersweet. My babies aren't babies any more! And this year I'm doing their birthday party all by myself (even though they didn't even get a party last year).

It's all a bit hard to process now.