Upside Down

Friday, July 8, 2016

This has been a really weird week and a half (maybe 2 weeks). I think if I was looking for an example of how life can ebb and flow and change at any minute - I'd think back to these past two weeks for sure. It's been filled with a lot of happy moments, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of heartache. That makes for a very overwhelmed heart. So, honestly I've been zoning out my feelings about nearly everything.

I have feelings for someone but do not want to think about those feelings. So I don't. I keep moving. I'm sad about what would have been my 3 year wedding anniversary, and the lump in my throat when I saw my ex the next day for our kid hand off, where I wished her a "what would have been 3rd wedding anniversary." I could have bawled my face off. But I didn't. I kept moving. I'm a future thinker and I love making plans. I could probably plan the crap out of the next 5 years of my life (and I have). But lately, I've been just leaving it all be. Life's so uncertain. So I don't think about it.

And if I've learned anything about myself, it's that the not feeling stuff leaves me feeling like a shell of myself. I don't feel real. Like I'm just moving through the motions and trying to "make it through." But what am I making it through to? Speed up. Slow down. That's my life lately. I crave consistency. I crave happy.

Today would have been my grandfather's birthday. He never had a chance to see me get married or to meet the twins because he passed away in 2011. Those are two days that I had him on my mind a lot. I miss his crackly laugh. The last thing he ever said to me? I was visiting him at the nursing home and was leaving. I told him I loved him and he responded with his usual, "I love you too, sweets." He wasn't doing very well at the end of his life - but it was a reminder what a joy he was. How loving and caring he was. I wish my kids had the opportunity to know him.

And on the horizon? The twins turn 2 on Sunday. Two years ago I was admitted to the hospital 6 weeks early because I was getting pre-ecclampsia. The doctors made the decision to deliver my babies early so that I could survive their birth. So I could live and be their mom. And I nearly died after my c-section as my bp sky-rocketed basically out of control. There I was in the ICU and my girls were in the NICU. Everyone battling to hang on. I think about those first few days of motherhood. The worry, the fear, the guilt. But I'm grateful that modern medicine allowed us all to be safe and healthy in the end.

So - tough week over here. I hope you're all doing well.

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