Deadwater

Monday, October 10, 2016

What I feel is hard to grasp.

I started with a life coach recently because my emotions are all of whack. And after being in a relationship for 8 years - I just really need help with the reset button on how I feel. In just one 60 minute session, I felt I found a person who go "me". Not the sarcastic, humorous mom that I am, but who I am on the inside ... what makes me tick. That's scary because that means that's a person that could "fix" me .. or rather, can really help me fix myself. Yeesh.

Am I broken? Maybe. But I also think it's about finding more of who I am and sometimes I'm afraid I have zero idea who that person even is. Who was I before love found me and hurt me? Who am I now? Who do I want to be?

One of the things we spoke about is attachments > I get really emotionally attached and close with those I date. I care deeply and dive headfirst and trust instantaneously. But those attachments are usually one-sided because I never really people in to see those sides of me. I crave learning about a person's dark side, I want to know what they love and hate and what makes them tick. I eat up all of the information I can extract. I do not leave much room for questions about me and I skim the surface when answering. I dance right around the dark holes in my life, I creep past the pain. I rarely let anyone see it. I handle it all on my own and refuse to let anyone be there on me - I am independent.

I'm also a fixer. If my heart hurts or I feel like the love I have is being lost, I immediately want to remedy the situation. I need to figure out what I can do to fix it. <spoiler alert> Some things cannot be fixed! Emotions, situations, etc. They're all so fluid and the fact that I cannot spin them into my favor or keep the peace .. drives me insane. It also shows my need for control of a situation. I find comfort in predictability. When feelings and situations turn negative, I want to control and fix! And I can't. Then I'm anxious and panicked. It feels like I'm drowning.

Eventually, I tune it out. When I can't control and the anxiety is unbearable, I numb it. I block it. I don't handle it. So it's always there - just lightly under the surface. It'll turn up in situation after situation, and relationship after relationship until I handle it.

So I was told to sit in the pain when it comes. To figure out what emotion I'm feeling ... and resist the tendency to fix or rationalize. Sit in it and feel it. What emotion am I feeling? WHAT.

It's challenging because for so long I've let the feeling in for a fleeting moment and then neatly scooted it aside. Quickly, telling myself that I shouldn't feel this way, I don't need to feel this way. But I never recognize the feeling and let it in. So I'm working on that. I know my big feelings are always abandonment and unworthiness (of love, of other people, etc.). I equally hate how those emotions make me feel, but I need to let them in and to let them fill me up so I can eventually release.


Book Review: Southern Education of a Jersey Girl

Friday, October 7, 2016

Man oh man. I loveeeee me some Jaime Primak Sullivan. Like LOVE her. Jaime is a publicist and has worked with the entertainment industry's biggest and brightest stars. She also produced her own show on Bravo called Jersey Belle.  I came across Jaime's facebook page a year or so ago - she had a morning chat that she shared on her public FB page regarding some relationship issues and I felt that she crawled inside my mind and heart and just knew how I felt. When she spoke, I felt like she was looking directly at me and speaking as if I was the only person listening. So clearly, I'm a fan and have been in love with her talks that she posts every morning on Facebook called #cawfeetawk.

Image result for southern education of a jersey girl

Last month, Jaime had her first book released called Southern Education of a Jersey Girl where she shares just a recount of some of her life experiences that brought her to where she is today - in her marriage, as a parent, in her career, etc. It's such a quick read and is a fabulous insight into the real world of someone that had life struggles along the way. She has sectioned her book into basically mini-stories and the lessons learned are so relatable. At the end of each "chapter" or section, there's usually a little box with more tidbits or nuggets of advice for someone going through a similar situation. A lot of it is relationship heavy - and it's good stuff.

If you're looking for a quick, weekend read or are going through some relationship troubles and are just seeking someone to relate to - this is your girl. Great book, entertaining stories and relatable content.
 
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