Deadwater

Monday, October 10, 2016

What I feel is hard to grasp.

I started with a life coach recently because my emotions are all of whack. And after being in a relationship for 8 years - I just really need help with the reset button on how I feel. In just one 60 minute session, I felt I found a person who go "me". Not the sarcastic, humorous mom that I am, but who I am on the inside ... what makes me tick. That's scary because that means that's a person that could "fix" me .. or rather, can really help me fix myself. Yeesh.

Am I broken? Maybe. But I also think it's about finding more of who I am and sometimes I'm afraid I have zero idea who that person even is. Who was I before love found me and hurt me? Who am I now? Who do I want to be?

One of the things we spoke about is attachments > I get really emotionally attached and close with those I date. I care deeply and dive headfirst and trust instantaneously. But those attachments are usually one-sided because I never really people in to see those sides of me. I crave learning about a person's dark side, I want to know what they love and hate and what makes them tick. I eat up all of the information I can extract. I do not leave much room for questions about me and I skim the surface when answering. I dance right around the dark holes in my life, I creep past the pain. I rarely let anyone see it. I handle it all on my own and refuse to let anyone be there on me - I am independent.

I'm also a fixer. If my heart hurts or I feel like the love I have is being lost, I immediately want to remedy the situation. I need to figure out what I can do to fix it. <spoiler alert> Some things cannot be fixed! Emotions, situations, etc. They're all so fluid and the fact that I cannot spin them into my favor or keep the peace .. drives me insane. It also shows my need for control of a situation. I find comfort in predictability. When feelings and situations turn negative, I want to control and fix! And I can't. Then I'm anxious and panicked. It feels like I'm drowning.

Eventually, I tune it out. When I can't control and the anxiety is unbearable, I numb it. I block it. I don't handle it. So it's always there - just lightly under the surface. It'll turn up in situation after situation, and relationship after relationship until I handle it.

So I was told to sit in the pain when it comes. To figure out what emotion I'm feeling ... and resist the tendency to fix or rationalize. Sit in it and feel it. What emotion am I feeling? WHAT.

It's challenging because for so long I've let the feeling in for a fleeting moment and then neatly scooted it aside. Quickly, telling myself that I shouldn't feel this way, I don't need to feel this way. But I never recognize the feeling and let it in. So I'm working on that. I know my big feelings are always abandonment and unworthiness (of love, of other people, etc.). I equally hate how those emotions make me feel, but I need to let them in and to let them fill me up so I can eventually release.


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