So What's a Single Mom Up To?

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

I haven't given a glimpse much into my life lately - and that's really because this summer I was ultra busy with the girls and juggling a new semi-relationship. Then when that settled down, it was the fall and my new job picked up and then the holidays and YEESH! Here we are! I can't believe the new year is coming up. 2016 has been pretty brutal for us - so I'm ready to start fresh, aren't you?

So what have I been doing?

Mainly, working and caring for the girls. I've been spending some much-needed time with friends, focused on parenting when I have the twins, and have been getting very little "me" time. So honestly, I wouldn't have time for a relationship even if I was in one!

I've made some financial decisions to put me in a better situation to buy a home in the next 2 years in my dream area. I've also picked up a new hobby - thrifting! I know, crazy. But it's been really enjoyable for me, and I'm loving the hunt for quality stuff at a lowwwww price! :)

And that's it!

2017 is shaping up to be pretty interesting. I already have a few trips planned, and am trying to focus on some personal growth things because I want to be the best person I can be!

What are you working on for the new year?

Holidays Post-Divorce

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Hello faithful readers! Thanks for sticking around! :)

This is my second holiday season since my divorced was finalized last winter - and although I'm in a much better place emotionally and mentally, the holidays can still be a tough time of year. Between splitting time with my children on the actual holiday, to doing this single parent thing solo when I have my girls ... it's been pretty stressful.

Last year I was a wreck. I was pretty depressed, confused, heartbroken, all of the above! It was grim, folks. But eventually when spring came around, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel - that there was life after divorce and I was choosing to be sad and mopey. Alternatively, I had the power to work on changing that!

This entire year has been such a learning experience. I've realized that although I'm totally flawed and have a lot of stuff to work on personally, that I'm also much stronger than I could ever have imagined. When there were days I was unsure how I would make it through, I did! I battled situations that I never wanted to and made it to the other side.

This year the holiday is still split for my kids between my ex and I. We have our own celebrations and are moving into our own completely separate paths. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the future, but part of me is excited too. I know there's some great stuff in store for me. My story isn't over yet.

The Clock Ticks

Monday, December 12, 2016

Sometimes I look around at my friends, accounts I follow on Instagram, or others in my daily life and a ping of jealousy hits me in the gut. These people have it figured out. They have this happiness thing/this love thing all dialed in. And I’m so, so, so behind. It’s all whipping me by at lightning speed and I can’t catch up – can’t get my life in order to be where it “should” be.  Why am I unloveable? Why am I not worthy of someone being madly in love with me?

But that’s where I got it all wrong. I’ve had all of this too. And it’s not that these people have and I have not – it’s that I’m on my life’s journey. They are on theirs. Right now I see it through the lens of a single, divorced mom, whereas three years ago I likely wouldn’t have noticed the “happy” couples nearly as much as a do now. I was newly married – I WAS a part of a happy couple.

A friend posted something online the other day that I thought really hit home. People at different points in their lives, hitting milestones (career, love, kids) at very different points from each other. We are all living at the pace of our clock – waiting for our time/living our time. Perhaps in 2013 was my time to get married and start a family. Would I be lying if I said the that I thought my marriage would last forever? Likely. I think (from the history of the relationship), I knew it would end at some point. That relationship was part of my journey and even though it was one of the most truly painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life – it needed to happen. That relationship needed to teach me things about myself, to show myself that I’m a strong person, to learn to stand up for myself, to open myself up to the right people.

And now the time of my life has me being a single mom. I’m not lonely at all. Yes, I miss having a relationship – someone to talk to, live life with, hold me when I’ve had a tough day. But I’m not in “need” of it. My life is so full right now. My girls keep me so stinking busy. My friends have been amazing and I have been making some ultra fun memories with them. After 8 years with someone, I’m learning who I am all over again. I’m resetting myself. And this single period really is a gift – to work on the goals that I want, to live the life I want, to learn how to trust and love all over again. It’s an opportunity to be selfish with my time. That’s where my clock is at now … and I know it’s always ticking and moving along at the pace it needs to.

A Year Later

Thursday, December 8, 2016

December 8th marks the one year "anniversary" of my divorce. A divorceversary, if you will. I'm filled with mixed emotions but mostly relief. Relief is a strange feeling - when you're under pressure or feeling pressure or just the general glum of being trapped ... relief feels open and free. It's wild and airy. Relief is the release from whatever was holding you down. And nowadays, I feel relief when reflecting back on this time last year.

I was a wreck all summer, fall and winter. Even a little into spring. I was manic, depressed, and felt all of the stages of grief one experiences again and again. I was lost and angry ... oooohhh so much anger. I was hurt - my heart brokened into a tiny million pieces over the love I "lost" and facing the fact that I wouldn't be seeing my children every single day for the rest of their lives. How could anyone love me again? I'm so unloveable. How could I rebuild my life? I'm so expired. Where is the light at the end of this tunnel? Because I can only see darkness.

And that's how it was for months on end. I drank a lot of wine after the kids went to bed - and made terrible food choices. I hid from people but at the same time was desperate for ANY human contact. But any time I found myself out with friends or family, I literally felt like I was bursting at the seams, holding my grief just beyond the surface and going to blow open at any moment. It was exhausting.

Sometimes I wish I could have hugged myself and told that sad woman, "Just you wait girl, there's a whole wide world of life still out there for you."

In the past year, I've experienced a lot of stuff I couldn't have imagined. I've paid off a lot of debt, I've reconnected with friends and family and feel like I'm making genuine connections with others, I've experienced a little bit of love, and I've done it all on my own. I've slowly inched back into myself ... but I'm still trying to figure out who I really am. And although I still have bad days and moments (don't we all?), I know that I'm in such a better place in all areas of my life. Some days I can't even imagine those dark, dark, days but I know they existed and I know I worked through them.

Relief comes in the form of happiness for me. In the fact that I know where my life is headed, that I've accepted the end of my marriage and have moved on from that relationship not just physically but emotionally. Relief is knowing how strong of a person I had to be through much of last year, and making it through all of that. That situation really put things in perspective for me now. I no longer chase people or love that's not meant for me (I struggle with this and it's SUPER hard but I'm learning to put my foot down and put myself first). I realize what's important and what's not - because I don't have time for irrelevant people or things or drama. And the biggest one of all is I'm learning to depend on myself more - to realize that I, and I only, hold the secret sauce. Another big one for me since I am working on that self-esteem girrrrrrl. But I am the one that's in charge of my life and I'm the one that decides if it's where I want it to be.

So whether you're going thru a divorce yourself, are on the other side, or just enjoy my ramblings (you sweet, sweet thing, you) ... just know that time works wonders. It doesn't always heal everything right away, but it works it's magic to heal things when they need to happen. Hang in there, and have a happy holiday season. xo