A Year Later

Thursday, December 8, 2016

December 8th marks the one year "anniversary" of my divorce. A divorceversary, if you will. I'm filled with mixed emotions but mostly relief. Relief is a strange feeling - when you're under pressure or feeling pressure or just the general glum of being trapped ... relief feels open and free. It's wild and airy. Relief is the release from whatever was holding you down. And nowadays, I feel relief when reflecting back on this time last year.

I was a wreck all summer, fall and winter. Even a little into spring. I was manic, depressed, and felt all of the stages of grief one experiences again and again. I was lost and angry ... oooohhh so much anger. I was hurt - my heart brokened into a tiny million pieces over the love I "lost" and facing the fact that I wouldn't be seeing my children every single day for the rest of their lives. How could anyone love me again? I'm so unloveable. How could I rebuild my life? I'm so expired. Where is the light at the end of this tunnel? Because I can only see darkness.

And that's how it was for months on end. I drank a lot of wine after the kids went to bed - and made terrible food choices. I hid from people but at the same time was desperate for ANY human contact. But any time I found myself out with friends or family, I literally felt like I was bursting at the seams, holding my grief just beyond the surface and going to blow open at any moment. It was exhausting.

Sometimes I wish I could have hugged myself and told that sad woman, "Just you wait girl, there's a whole wide world of life still out there for you."

In the past year, I've experienced a lot of stuff I couldn't have imagined. I've paid off a lot of debt, I've reconnected with friends and family and feel like I'm making genuine connections with others, I've experienced a little bit of love, and I've done it all on my own. I've slowly inched back into myself ... but I'm still trying to figure out who I really am. And although I still have bad days and moments (don't we all?), I know that I'm in such a better place in all areas of my life. Some days I can't even imagine those dark, dark, days but I know they existed and I know I worked through them.

Relief comes in the form of happiness for me. In the fact that I know where my life is headed, that I've accepted the end of my marriage and have moved on from that relationship not just physically but emotionally. Relief is knowing how strong of a person I had to be through much of last year, and making it through all of that. That situation really put things in perspective for me now. I no longer chase people or love that's not meant for me (I struggle with this and it's SUPER hard but I'm learning to put my foot down and put myself first). I realize what's important and what's not - because I don't have time for irrelevant people or things or drama. And the biggest one of all is I'm learning to depend on myself more - to realize that I, and I only, hold the secret sauce. Another big one for me since I am working on that self-esteem girrrrrrl. But I am the one that's in charge of my life and I'm the one that decides if it's where I want it to be.

So whether you're going thru a divorce yourself, are on the other side, or just enjoy my ramblings (you sweet, sweet thing, you) ... just know that time works wonders. It doesn't always heal everything right away, but it works it's magic to heal things when they need to happen. Hang in there, and have a happy holiday season. xo

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