The Clock Ticks

Monday, December 12, 2016

Sometimes I look around at my friends, accounts I follow on Instagram, or others in my daily life and a ping of jealousy hits me in the gut. These people have it figured out. They have this happiness thing/this love thing all dialed in. And I’m so, so, so behind. It’s all whipping me by at lightning speed and I can’t catch up – can’t get my life in order to be where it “should” be.  Why am I unloveable? Why am I not worthy of someone being madly in love with me?

But that’s where I got it all wrong. I’ve had all of this too. And it’s not that these people have and I have not – it’s that I’m on my life’s journey. They are on theirs. Right now I see it through the lens of a single, divorced mom, whereas three years ago I likely wouldn’t have noticed the “happy” couples nearly as much as a do now. I was newly married – I WAS a part of a happy couple.

A friend posted something online the other day that I thought really hit home. People at different points in their lives, hitting milestones (career, love, kids) at very different points from each other. We are all living at the pace of our clock – waiting for our time/living our time. Perhaps in 2013 was my time to get married and start a family. Would I be lying if I said the that I thought my marriage would last forever? Likely. I think (from the history of the relationship), I knew it would end at some point. That relationship was part of my journey and even though it was one of the most truly painful things I’ve ever experienced in my life – it needed to happen. That relationship needed to teach me things about myself, to show myself that I’m a strong person, to learn to stand up for myself, to open myself up to the right people.

And now the time of my life has me being a single mom. I’m not lonely at all. Yes, I miss having a relationship – someone to talk to, live life with, hold me when I’ve had a tough day. But I’m not in “need” of it. My life is so full right now. My girls keep me so stinking busy. My friends have been amazing and I have been making some ultra fun memories with them. After 8 years with someone, I’m learning who I am all over again. I’m resetting myself. And this single period really is a gift – to work on the goals that I want, to live the life I want, to learn how to trust and love all over again. It’s an opportunity to be selfish with my time. That’s where my clock is at now … and I know it’s always ticking and moving along at the pace it needs to.

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