Overcoming Insecurities

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

I've struggled with insecurities all of my life. From my weight, to my big nose, and my gap teeth, to my general worthiness and loveableness - I've been my biggest critic and always the first one to knock myself back down. With divorce, your ego takes a big hit. Your life is flipped upside down and you're no longer part of a "unit" but operate as a "me". You no longer have your person to have your back or lift you back up when you need it, and if you're having a rough day it's really easy to just spiral down deeper.

My marriage and subsequent divorce, revealed the darkest of sides to all of my insecurities. And now - I'm constantly comparing myself to other mothers, partners my ex dates, the lives my friends are leading, etc. I'm looking around and seeing movement forward and sometimes I just feel so stagnant and unmotivated.

Recently my ex introduced her fiance (yep.) to our children. Seeing a strange woman on my side of the car, driving away with my ex wife and our children in tow really struck me right in the gut. Why was I thrown aside? Will my daughters still love me and see me as mom? It's difficult to not feel replaced even if the "smart" side of me knows better. It's all work that needs to be done.

This past year since my divorce was finalized has been filled with so much growth. Learning to be back on my own, run my own home, be in charge of my own finances and the freeeeeeeedom to make my own decisions. (I don't think partnered people remember how amazing it is to not have to check in with someone on decorating, eating, financial, etc. decisions) Seeing other people outside of me ex - as in actually SEEING another woman as dating potential - allowing my eyes and heart to be re-opened to opportunities in love when for so long it was guarded and hurt. Growth in my career and finally getting to where I have wanted to be in a role I've wanted to be in for so long. Figuring out motherhood as a single mom - as in having no one to tap me out and help when I've been up with the girls all night long, or when we need to run to Target or the grocery store ... figuring out getting us there and what we will need. Reconnecting and building stronger friendships with my friends and creating goals and enjoying life again. 2016 has sucked in so many ways, but has been filled with so much joy and learning opportunities that it's hard to believe.

So with that - I see it. I see it all laid out and understand that I'm stronger that I give myself credit for.  That my children see their mommy and love their mommy (they now tell me!!) regardless of whomever else comes in their life. The fact is that I'm their mom and nothing changes that. So it's all continually a work in progress. In seeing what I'm experiencing and knowing my worth and value isn't always tied to those situations. To recognizing those instances where it doesn't and seeing those times when my value and worth is valid and reinforced. It's a journey. A long long long journey and I'm pretty sure it doesn't even end when I find someone new in my life or get re-married. It's all about me and discovering myself and working on myself to be the best I can be for myself and my daughters.

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