The Shower

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Each and every one of us copes with difficult things in our own way. Whether it's comfort through food, drugs, booze or sex. Or healthier options like self-love, massages, weekend getaways or even venting to a close friend - we heal and we work through stuff in different ways. My "drug' of choice? Water. Specifically a hot shower.

Last night, I wasn't feeling well. I had gotten back from an outing with my dad and my stomach hurt, I had the chills and my face and ears were super warm. I couldn't fall asleep and was both shivering and desperate for reprieve from the warmth emanating from my head. Eventually, I decided to get up and take a shower. To me, a shower has always offered a safe space. Calming, relaxing, quiet.

In the 8 years I spent with my ex, many of those years were spent in turmoil. My heart being shattered to pieces and I had little ability to deal with those tough and confusing emotions. I won't sit here and say that a shower helps me work through all of life's hardest battles. Because I've been told I do not actually "sit" in my pain and feel it. I numb it til it goes away and I can move on and feel strong again. And that's what a shower had always served to me - a way to numb the pain, to feel that grief for a moment but to shove it away so I could re-emerge and continue on with my day.

I can remember every single shower that I have sat in over the past 8+ years. Everything from super small stand up showers (and I'm 5"8 so I was crammed in there) to nicely tiled "fancy" showers to your basic tubs ... and even a  tub with jets a few times. I've spent a lot of time sitting on a bathroom floor in grief and pain. And last night, it was interesting to reflect back on that as I found myself in that spot but for a different reason (because I felt ill not in heartbreak).

Human emotion is interesting, isn't it? How we feel, how we process, how we put ourselves back together. The comfort a shower brings me is peace- and the hotter the water, the better. I've known myself to jump into that comfort zone for as little as 10 minutes (because I just needed a reprieve and didn't have much time) to sometimes upwards of an hour. Whatever would help me feel better and time would allow. I had time to think, to sit, to "feel better" and re-emerged (not 100% better) but feeling a tad bit more comforted. And honestly, that's all programmed in me from other emotional trauma that I've survived. Water (hot water) is my comfort zone. It's my drug, my close friend, my cozy blanket. A shower is where I can wash away all of the bad stuff, process my thoughts more clearly and at least emerge a bit stronger than I did when I entered that shower.

I know you're probably going through a hard time. You wouldn't have found me or this blog if you didn't. And you're coping the best way you know how. Hang in there. Find your shower - your healthy way to at least handle what's thrown at you. You do not need to process it right now. You are allowed to feel weak. You're allowed to comfort yourself. You will get to where you need to be - eventually. I promise you that. But for now ... find a healthy way to take care of yourself. You'll make it through.

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