Someone New

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

After being with 1 partner for so long - allowing someone else into your life to hold your heart and love on your mind and body can be a foreign concept for some. For me it frets me with anxiety. I think if you're not comfortable with yourself, it can be even worse. The problem we can run into though, is we are pushing the potential for love away because we cannot love ourselves - or because we tell ourselves that WE lost love before so we're not worthy of keeping love ever. God, divorce is a mental eff game that messes with you for a while.

I'm not built to love more than 1 person at a time. So if I love you - sometimes I can't love me. The fear of getting into a relationship without loving myself has been really tough. I question every move, I have no idea how I feel half the time, but I try to pluck along with a guarded heart - because if I don't then I'm running ... and that unleashes a whole slew of other questions.

I want a simple love. I want to love someone deeply, but know that she loves me in return. I don't want to worry about other people or the way I look or say or do that could drive someone away. I want the comfort of knowing that my person is my person. And every new relationship you start post-divorce causes you to tip tow around with that idea. Could this be my person? Could this person love me in a way that my ex was unable to? So. much. thought. But why can't I love myself in the ways that my ex was unable to? Life is all about growth and learning ... so here we go ... keep the lessons coming.


Friday, June 2, 2017

Last week, I celebrated my 34th birthday. It was honestly the best birthday that I've had in years. The people I loved were there, the weather was fantastic, and it was just an overall good day. Birthdays have always been a huge thing for me. And thinking back on my last few, they were always overshadowed by something else going on. Not to say I need to be the center of attention - but meaning there were dark clouds over my personal life occurring around the same time so I wasn't able to fully appreciate the efforts by others when they did happen.

These first few years into my 30s have been nothing short of full of events. The year I turned 30, I got married. The year I turned 31, I had the twins. The year I turned 32, I was divorced. The year I turned 33, I shared my birthday with the first person who wasn't my ex-wife in 8 years. And then this year? 34? Well this year was perfectly normal. No drama happening, no distractions occurring, sweet nothing rocking the boat. And it was great to be able to relax, enjoy my time with my friends and my girls and just have a normal birthday.

I'm hoping 34 will be a great year - full of peace, self reflection, self-work and self-love. I deserve to have some time brought back into myself. To figure out what my mind and body need, and to focus on serving myself in the best way possible so that I can be the best me and the best mom for my girls. Who knows what's in store for my future. But I'm just really grateful that in the here and now - 34 is feeling pretty sweet.

I Cried Myself to Sleep

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Last night, I cried myself to sleep. It was the first time in a super long time that I was upset enough, and my inner demons won out. I'm not happy with my body. I feel stuck in my life. I feel like everyone is full steam ahead and I've decided to step off the train and stand on the podium and just wait for the next train to arrive. Who knows if it ever will.

I don't know why now. I know some crossroads are on the horizon - still a year out - and I'm nervous about them. I'm nervous about continuing on this life adventure on my own. There's still so much work to do - to get where I want to be physically and mentally and gosh it just feels so overwhelming sometimes.

We are our own worst critic. But when the time is right, we're also the only one that will ever truly show up for ourselves. When does it click where you are finally content with the path you're on and where you're headed? My divorce rocked my life plan and I feel like I'm constantly planning for what my future is - yet it's also a big mystery. And it's lonely. And sometimes feels unfair.

And then the tears come.