Tell Me Something Good

Thursday, August 17, 2017

"Tell me something good."

That question was posed in a divorcee Facebook group I'm in this week. Amidst the tragedy smacking the US/world left and right this year, someone was desperate to see what good has come into the world to those of us on the other side of divorce. At first I rolled my eyes. Things aren't terrific. What good to I have to share?

But duh. Tons.

Here's the thing. Divorce sucks balls. I read once that you get 1 year to grieve the end of the relationship/marriage. You get 1 year to whine about it, obsess about it, eat chocolate ice cream and binge on Netflix. One year to do nothing. And then that's it. Get your shit together and keep moving. If you don't, life will leave you behind.

So what's my good? I may not have found the love of my life, but I have had smaller relationships and dates and realized what I don't want, what I won't settle for and was strong enough to walk away (which is HUGE for me) because I didn't want that type of relationship even if that meant I would be alone. I received a promotion in my dream job and with the flexibility I need/want for my work/life balance. I chipped away at my debt (student loans, etc.) and am nearly debt free. Very very nearly. I just bought a home! I close at the end of September and it's in a terrific school district and is a single family home for me and my girls. In two years from my divorce, life moved along and I was moving with it.

So here's my advice to you. Take your time and grieve your loss. You need to process it and work through it. But life doesn't stop moving just because your marriage ended. I need you to be strong and figure things out for yourself (and your kids). I need you to be smart and think about your future. Guess what - you still have one! I need you to realize what you want in your life, for your kids, what you image things could be like. When you're sitting in the bottom of that shower weeping (guilty), I need you to start making a plan. When you're running out your anger and your tears hit you at mile six, I need you to start planning. I need you to know that you can do this.

Been stuck at home? Get a job. Get your resume out there, tweak the sh*t out of it, join LinkedIn, network, etc. DO IT. Don't whine to me that I don't know anything about anything. Just do it.

Drowning in debt? Make a plan. I follow Dave Ramsey but there are a few financial plans out there. Find one that works and attack the crap out of it. <here's where you tell me there's no moves you can make> Sell your car and get rid of the car payment. (Guilty! did that!) Find a reliable, older car with no car payment that can get you from point A to point B (did that too). Pick up a side gig (Lyft, eBay sales, babysitting, dog sitting) and put any extra money to your debt. Create a budget and stick to it.

No one is going to do this stuff for you except for you. So when you feel like everything is impossible and your heart is breaking in two - I need you to rise up and be stronger than that. I need you to be smart and find a way. I need you to realize that things won't be perfect and they sure as hell won't look like you thought they would - but they'll be okay. Freaking out about time with out your kids? (visitation or splitting custody with your ex?) DO SOMETHING to keep yourself busy when they aren't with you. Work out, bake, go out with friends, repaint your bedroom a color your ex hated (guilty) - do stuff for YOU! Take this time to do something for yourself. Your kids will be okay. Use that time to help mom be okay.

I'm not saying my life is terrific or anywhere I thought it'd be. But my train is moving and it's headed in the direction that I planned for it. Things are good now - and it's amazing to know that things can be even better. So keep trucking along. You can do this. You're strong enough to move forward.

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